Stultus

it has been a while since i got some kind of imsonia: no sleep before midnight. i just can't close my eyes before 12 am. even when i'm extremely tired or sad or depressed (it even get worse).
and by the time i can't sleep, i spent them on stupid thoughs.
like, why did this world appear, suddenly from nowhere we don't know?
why there is too much pain?
why can't all of us being happy?
why is everything  not fair?
why do i always feel lonely?

and when i fall asleep, most of dreams i can remember, are about my longingness of someone.
someone i don't know.
someone i don't have.

all of my life, as far i can remember, it were a blury memory, i loved a very few people. my family, and him. and money.
but he was a memory that i shouldn't remember. a memory that i left behind.
and it has been some years since i have something people called love or even a slightest feeling. sometimes i miss the sensation so much it drives me crazy.
what they said is true, you will always crave for the taste of love, the effect given by those hormones. sensation you get by:
a cuddle, a touch, a kiss.

maybe what i miss so much is not 'someone' that i have around.
but the feeling to long for someone, the needed, the craziness, the hormones.
i need them.

even after i know all the biologycal and chemical shits behind it, i still crave it.
and deep inside i know,
despite all words i have ever say about love,
i still, fcking need it.
to survive from this world banal bussiness and keep alive.

to alive.